Let Me Tell You How to Be Successful, Rich, and Beautiful. No Really I Got It All Figured Out

So I recently got this link from a friend. Its from a blog called “The Art of Manliness.” You know the type of blog this is – one of those that tries to inspire you to be something great or some shit. They used to be called “self-help” until that term got a bad rep. Probably because of poor reviews of the “self-help sex” section (but it sounded so good on paper!) Now I see these authors labeling their work under slick titles such as “productivity” and “personal finance.” This blog, however, chooses to take a different route. It isn’t like those other self-help blogs, teaching you to dream big and have aspirations. This guy is tough. He tries to be “real” by telling you to suck it up and work hard, and that all the hopes and dreams in the world won’t do shit for you if you don’t try hard etc. We know he wasn’t drawing flowers and unicorns when he was in kindergarten, and if you asked him then what he wanted to be he wouldn’t say “rock star.” This guy is real man. He’d say “I want to sweat a lot and bend steel and shit.” I don’t know why these self-help blogs have always bothered me, and even though this one strives to differentiate itself from the myriad of self-help blogs out there it all smells like shit to me.

I find it funny that this author became successful by blogging about how to be successful. But he’s not the first person to write his own existence into being. Look at jesus christ. He said “Hey I’m god” and people believed him so much they killed his crazy ass for it. Look at Tucker Max. He started out by writing about how cool he was and how much he got laid, and regardless of whether or not it was true back then it is definitely true now because he is a semi super-star. In a way he created his own person, a true self-made man. He wrote all the attributes he wanted to have into his character, and now because people expect him to have those attributes when they meet him they see him with all the characteristics he says he has (SOCIOLOGY). Does that mean that all I have to do to be good at shit is talk about how I’m good at it? I wanna be a baller scientist. Consider this my first blog post about what a baller scientist I am (I swear I’m baller! Steve Jobs has nothing on this revolutionary). I work hard every day and make cool shit. My shit has innovation, social media, 3g, AND a touchscreen. Blah blah blah. What a waste of fucking time. If I were to write a self-help blog, all I'd really have to say is





I know what I like, and I do what I like. You should too. Now suck my dick.






I wouldn't make any money off of that though. Not because it isn't true, it's just not wordy enough. If anyone wants to help me turn that into 100 posts about 1k words long, let me know. Maybe we can even write a book in a year or two depending on the quality of the fluff. I'm also looking for ghostwriters for my autobio. Here's the outline


1. Formative years (birth to 12): What do I like?

needless fluff here

2. Life (12 to 70): Do stuff I like.

puff puff fluff

3. Death (70 to death): Find a hole and die.

(less fluff needed)



Even though I haven't finished out my whole life yet that's pretty much the rough plan I have. We'll see what happens though, anything can happen. I'm taking pre-orders on the book and autobio just let me know how many copies you want. They're signed too. Testimonials about how this changed your life go in the comments section ty tell your friends.